Panic

Parents often joke about being "bad parents" now and then. Yesterday I won the prize for the worst parent. Anyone who has reacted to their child by spanking them or not paying attention which led to an owee feels that certain parental guilt. Yesterday I felt the most guilt, and the most dispair, and today I am still fighting back the tears from my carelessness, my poor judgement and my bad bad parenting.

In rush to get Setareh to her soccer try-outs, I packed everyone in the car...I remembered sunscreen, soccer ball, try-out form, everything, and we were late. The park near our house was very very crowded with soccer everywhere. When I finally found the right place I put everything down and asked, "Are we in the right place?" The coach responded, "Yes just go across the tennis courts and register to get a number for the try-outs." OK easy. I put my children in the shade with several adults and other children and said, "Setareh watch Arian I will be right back." OHHH Bad, Bad, Bad mommy. I walked across the tennis courts and returned to find Setareh on the soccer field and Arian was NOWHERE in sight. Setareh didn't know where he was, the coach said, "He was just right here." I began to call out his name, I called, and called and called, there were sooo many people, a wooded area and a very steep hill, and NO response. My calls turned to panic. I was terrified (I can't express the terror in writing). Everyone was helping me, I was tearing up, I was screaming, I was struggling to describe him to people. My son who had been 3 for only days had wondered off. He had wondered to the playground on the other side of the park . A helpful parent found him and brought him to me as I was headed that way...I was seconds away from call 911. Sick to my stomach with fear and adrenilin I held him as tight as humanly possible. Arian said, "Mom I found your keys and was bringing them to you...are you sad?" My response, "Yes, I was scared because I couldn't find you and you can't ever go to a playground without a grown-up." I kept Arian attached to me the rest of the afternoon. The guilt, fear and panice will be with me for a long time.